Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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