I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
