Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
