my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
