well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
His nipple licking is glorious
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