I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
