I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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