I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
