Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
