Just fell off a train. Bad.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
