Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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