Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
