apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
