After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
