God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
