I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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