I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize