Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
