I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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