You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How does one acquire holy water?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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