if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
