Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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