Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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