I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
