Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
