I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
