do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
