You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Also, beer. Big fan.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
