Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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