After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
