dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
