Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
