I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
