I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize