did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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