yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
