I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
