she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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