Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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