I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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