The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
