you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
