where am i from again
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
