You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
