Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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