How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize