please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
