My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
