dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
