Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
