I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
