this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
