You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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