Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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