your parents love me but you hate me
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Less talking, more tequila
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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