Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My bed smells like the plague
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
